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Cult Heroes


The 50 Greatest Cult Heroes Of All Time

Yes it's true. Over the next few hours I will reveal to you just who the greatest cult heroes of all-time are. I will go through in reverse order starting with number 50, and ending with history's greatest ever cult hero. But first...

What is a cult hero?
A cult hero is anyone, anywhere who stands out for what they do and how they benefit and add to society as a whole. They are the ones who stand up to be counted and the ones who will go down fighting in a blaze of glory......... or anyone who can pull off a quality facial expression, or just stands at the back doing nothing. Anyway, let the tribute begin.

#50
Gary Wilmot
Former host of TV's "Showstoppers" - an all-star singing and dancing show where guests sang songs from famous musicals. Also appeared in many, many daytime panel gameshows. Crowning Glory: Allegedly running off with the producer of Channel 4's wife.

#49
Brad Whitford
Supposedly the youngest member of Aerosmith, although you wouldn't think that to look at him - he looks older than the other four put together. Still, that's what you get for being a blonde rock star.......... I have no idea what that means. Crowning Glory: Scoring a championship winning goal for Ali's Army Extras.

#48
Peter Setters
Specky, spotty, goofy York City fan, also vice-president of the M.E.P.O.W.C. Brought us such works as The Quayle Biography (unfinished) and the M.E.P.O.W.C. website (unfinished). Could also be confused with a similar list of cunt heroes. Crowning Glory: His M.E.P.O.W.C. award for The Quayle Biography.

#47
Paul from S Club 7
Two major things worth noting about Paul - 1. Average facial expressions are of extremely high quality and 2. Damn fine actor. Crowning Glory: Driving the bus on the "Reach" video.

#46
John Thaw
The famous British actor who plays Inspector Morse. 100% guaranteed to win a best actor award in television award shows....... as long as they are British. Crowning Glory: His many, many awards.

#45
Erik the Swimmer
As part of the Olympics plan to promote sport all over the world, they invited along competitors from small countries to take part in the swimming contests even though they did not meet Olympic standard. One of these was Erik from Equatorial Guinea who had only learned to swim in January. He took to the pool by storm and duly won his heat (the other swimmers were disqualified for jump starts) and narrowly missed out on the world record (by well over a minute). Crowning Glory: The aforementioned swim.

#44
Colin Baker
The most odd (and homosexual) of all the Doctor Who's, Colin's bizarre clothes and moonlike face, made it inevitable that he would become a cult hero. Colin can now be seen as a guest in quality game shows, such as A Word in Your Ear, where he often wears large red boots. Crowning Glory: His enthusiastic performance in the adverb round on "A Word in Your Ear".

#43
Jonathan Scott
Very tall Everton fan, nicknamed Toffee. Jonathan gets his cult status for four main reasons:- 1. Being an Everton fan, 2. Being tall, 3. His quality (if not slightly gay) facial expressions and 4. Being the head of The Champions' League - an organisation hell-bent on world domination via tree theft. Crowning Glory: AAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBB

#42
William Jagger
Jagger, a lumpy headed freak from South Wales, has a reputation mainly based on his great love of sheep. He often goes on holiday to New Zealand to help his craving. A surprisingly good footballer, Jagger is the captain of the Welsh National side. Crowning Glory: Avoiding the RSPCA.

#41
Waldo
A very odd computer nerd, Waldo spends most of his time by a computer. An unusual thing about Waldo is that anything he says can be misinterpreted to sound filthy. Although he denies it, he would be an ideal person to play the part of Flanders in any Simpsons play. Crowning Glory: His world record for hours sat at a computer.

#40
Richard Jowett
The boy with too much to say. Freely admitted to several hideous and disgusting things including not having a penis and being a bender. Whether these allegations are true or not remains to be seen. Crowning Glory: "I don't have a penis".

#39
Scott Young
The strangest pupil of all those who attend South Craven School (a prestigious honour I'm sure you'll agree). Has been accused of drug taking more than 3000 times (a world record) and pretends he is a policeman driving a panda car on all too regular an occasion. Crowning Glory: His advanced mating rituals.

#38
Brian Feeble
Brian is the son of Eric Feeble in the cartoon Stressed Eric. His sole purpose in life appears to be putting things in his mouth and saying nothing. Crowning Glory: Winning an apple bobbing contest.

#37
Neil Ormerod
The main points to note about Neil are in his clothes, if he is not wearing something beige, you can bet your last arse he will be wearing some kind of towel. Also, I think he is trying to steal about half of my wives. Crowning Glory: Coming from nowhere to be a major character in The Champions' League.

#36
Alexis Denisof
An English actor who plays the part of Wesley in both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Amusing lines can often be heard coming from his vocal box, but this is nothing compared to his dancing, which is fun and wacky. Crowning Glory: The aforementioned wacky dancing.

#35
Willow Rosenborg
The red-haired sidekick to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Willow had the prestigious honour of being the girlfriend to Oz (played by the mighty Seth Green). All that has now changed however, and now she is a lesbian with a witch named Tara. Crowning Glory: Turning from geek to lesbian witch in only four seasons.
#34
Jon Hannah
An English actor who starred in one of the greatest films of all time - The Mummy. Bonus points come from the fact that you can find the names of three S Club 7 members in his name. Bad marks come from the fact that he was once in a film that starred one of Earth's lamest people - Gwyneth Paltrow. Crowning Glory: Being in The Mummy.

#33
Brian May
Many of you reading this will think that hair does not come much longer than that of Jonathan Fort's, if that is true than they obviously have never seen Brian May. The sheer volume of Brian May's hair is impressive enough to end all arguments. He was also a great guitar player with Queen, but that is irrelevant next to the hair. Crowning Glory: The hair, it has to be the hair.

#32
Faye from Steps
Faye earns her way into this list on the back on some really high quality facial expressions. Her best performance was in the video for the song Say You'll Be Mine. She is also the one member of Steps that no-one really minds at all, earning her the title of "The Steps Equilibrium". Crowning Glory: The highest quality facial expressions by a girl for 34 years.

#31
Dr Eager Beeg Beaver
The German alter-ego of Chris Brooke. He had his own problem page with the Morally, Ethically, Physically, Organically Wrong Clan where he actually added to the problems of the poor misguided saps who wrote in. Crowning Glory: Being able to knock people when they're down.

#30
Mrs Quayle
The evil, vindictive wife of the evil, vindictive William Quayle, "MQ" is one of the sickest people ever to walk the planet Earth. Formerly a business studies trainee teacher, she met Quayle after an incident at a pickling factory. It was disgust at first site, and the two got married and had a child - Mrs Heathcote. Crowning Glory: Leaving South Craven.

#29
Shecky
The secret love child of a sheep and Becky King, hence the name, Shecky used to have cult status for two reasons; i) his bright, flamboyant clothes and ii) his mass of crazy hair. But a recent sheering meant he lost the latter, hence his poor performance in this list. Crowning Glory: The orange coat.

#28
Marvin from Miami 7
The king of all facial expressions, Marvin can do things with his face other people can only dream about. Also, his cowardly personality and geeky appearance contribute to his cult status. Crowning Glory: Producing the greatest facial expression in the fossil record on one episode of Miami 7.

#27
Comic Book Guy
A Simpsons character with no official name, the comic book guy is a rude, surly, sarcastic, obese man who runs the local comic book store. His never changing tone of voice and his and his superb lines earn him his place in the cult elite. Crowning Glory: "Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix."

#26
Henry VIII
A trail blazer for all fat ginger people who wanted multiple wives, the only flaw in his technique was that he wanted them one at a time and not altogether. Still he changed an entire religion just so he could get a divorce, and killed two of his wives, so he still forces himself into this mid-table position. Crowning Glory: When he died he was allegedly two metres wide.

#25
Hank Hill
Hank is propane and propane accessories salesman from Arlem, Texas in the cartoon King of the Hill. His traditional values and dislike of talking about sex lead to many a wacky adventure with his odd friends and family. Crowning Glory: "A dog's the only animal that makes sense...... I suppose a cat might work....... if you're an old person..... ya' know.......... who's sick."

#24
Denis Irwin
Denis is one of Manchester United's greatest servants. He has played for them for ten years, won 13 winner's medals (a United record), and has also made over a half century of caps for the Republic of Ireland. A quite, normal family man who does not crave the media attention like the Beckham's of this world. Crowning Glory: His testimonial in August, in which he got injured and had to be taken off before half time.

#23
Joey Kramer
Peroxide blonde, Aerosmith drummer Joey is one of the greatest drummers in the business. One of the reasons he is so great is that he doesn't appear to be that interested, and often looks to be chewing gum on many of Aerosmith's videos. Crowning Glory: Turning into a dog in the video for "Pink".

#22
Eric Cartman
The rudest, most obnoxious kid in the entire world, and we love him for it. Eric is ignorant and selfish to the last, he will always, quite rightly, put himself before others, and has his mother, who by the way is a slut, wrapped around his little finger. Also, whenever he hears the start of the song "Come Sail Away" he can't do anything until it's finished. Crowning Glory: "Kyle's Mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.", etc.

#21
Sarah Michelle Gellar
She is the chosen one, she is the slayer. Sarah's role as TV's Buffy has made into a cult icon. She is the reason for the creation of the popular drinking game "spot Buffy's bra-strap", a game that involves contestants drinking a pint a beer whenever they see her bra strap. Sarah has also starred in the quality film "Cruel Intention", and the very odd film "Simply Irresistible". Crowning Glory: Winning the MTV Movie Award for best kiss, for her lesbian kiss in Cruel Intentions.

#20
Jim Corr
Most bands have an "other", of sorts, someone who is different than the others, someone who is unnoticeable, but Jim is a bit special. Let's be honest, Jim could come out on a unicycle, bare naked, with pink hair, giant spectacles and an arm missing, and everyone would still be looking at the three girls. Crowning Glory: Being able to fly a plane and ride a motorbike in the video "Breathless".

#19
Richard Tinsley
He sits, or he stands, but either way he always stares, not at anything inparticular, just deep into space. It's frightening, it's strange, it's hypnotic and it's unstoppable......... unless you have gold foil. Crowning Glory: Killing Jagger in The Champions' League.

#18
Tom Baker
The best Doctor Who of them all (including Paul McGann!!!), Tom excites us all with his ugly face, curly hair and long scarf. Couldn't be arsed to turn up for the special "Five Doctors" edition of Doctor Who, but what the hell. Tom is also a former winner of the Aliworld Floodlit Super Combat Warrior Cola Bowl Gold Cup. Crowning Glory: That wacky, wacky scarf.

#17
Eddie Irvine
As number two behind Michael Schumacher in the Ferrari F1 team, Eddie's chances of ever coming close to the world championship were pretty thin. But bang!!! Schumacher broke a leg and Eddie was a title contender. He came very close to the title, taking it to the wire, but ultimately lost to Hakkinen in the last race. He has now returned to his dodgy form with Jaguar. Crowning Glory: Making Schumacher work for him in the 1999 Malaysian Grand Prix.

#16
Bradley McIntosh
S Club 7 star Bradley delights all with his wacky west-si-eed rapping and dancing style. His often dumbfounded expression and odd vocabulary make him a wondrous and amusing attraction for all to behold. Crowning Glory: "If I met Brad Pitt I'd be like 'Oy Brad, I'm Brad, stop using my name, you're confusing me and my women'".

#15
William Quayle
The most odd being in the entire history of everything ever. He has a cryogenically frozen army of vampires beneath the town. He has a stuffed dolphin that he carries around with him, and even talks to, but not in a normal way, in some kind of whispering, gurgling language. He invented Colin Pearson. He is the subject of Peter Setters' award winning biography. And, although he has a wife, his sexual preferences are unknown (and best kept that way). Crowning Glory: Killing Fraggle, Mo, Grace and Emma in The Champions' League.

#14
Jeeves the World's first internet butler
Jeeves is an internet butler who stands around in random situations answering the stupid questions of idiotic people, personally I think he would be better employed at the Ministry of defence, but that's a personal matter. Anyway, he answers the idiot's questions in a very dignified and English way, while never losing his charm, even when he's getting hypothermia from standing in a river for too long. Crowning Glory: The fact that the actor in the advert looks nothing like the guy on the website.

#13
Nikos Noblias
Nikos is proof, if proof were needed, that funny names are always superb. A Greek football player, he came to fame during a match on the FIFA '98 football game, when out of nowhere Jon Motson suddenly cried out "Noblias". Immortality confirmed. Crowning Glory: Numerous jokes such as: "That's a hard tackle in on Noblias"

#12
Alastair Thwaite
This is what you need to know about The Ali: He has multiple wives at any one time; He owns a multi-million dollar international sports franchise called Ali's Army that has won championships in football, rugby, cricket, water polo, Pokemon and Formula 00; He founded the Morally, Ethically, Physically, Organically Wrong Clan; He destroyed The Champions' League; Has won several MEPOWC awards and is the world's ultimate, most profound, and most accurate statistician (according to his statistics). Crowning Glory: Destroying the Champions' League.

#11
Cornelius out of Planet of the Apes
A distinguished, learned chimpanzee, Cornelius and his chimpanzee brothers stood for what was right when the orang-utans and gorillas were clearly wrong. A pacifist, Cornelius hates all forms of violence, even boxing and thumb wars. A keen sportsman, he has represented the MEPOWC and England at football. Crowning Glory: His back to back Formula 00 titles.

#10
Roy Walker
Irish, ex-Catchphrase host Roy can be best summed up in one simple word: RRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! His large enthusiasm in the highly popular show, made him an instant hit, as well as making him popular with the ladies (that's a lie). Also a member of The Champions' League. Has since been replaced on Catchphrase by some gay, English twat. Crowning Glory: That episode of Catchphrase where it looked as if one of the catchphrases was wanking.

#9
Ringo Starr
Beatles drummer Ringo was a pioneer of the concept of bands having an "other". Despite having a flashy name, Ringo was generally ignored by pretty much everybody as they all focused their attention on Lennon, McCartney and, to a lesser extent Harrison. After the band split up, Ringo went on to have a solo career that no-one remembers. Later he did the voices on Thomas the Tank Engine. Crowning Glory: His continuing addiction for Thomas the Tank Engine.

#8
John Deacon
John was one of the best examples of what an "other" should be. He was ignored, only shown briefly on Queen videos, hardly ever sung, nearly always looked miserable and wore odd geeky clothes. He didn't take part in Brian May and Roger Taylor's sell-out of We Will Rock You. This could be because: a) he has some dignity, b) the others have forgotten who he is, c) he is trapped in Brian May's hair or d) he might be dead. Crowning Glory: Refusing to sing along on the "Play The Game" video.

#7
Homer Simpson
Homer is what every man on this planet wants to be. He's fat, lazy, incompetent, but still has a wife, three children, a superb house, two cars and many awards. But the quality of the content that comes out of his mouth is second to none. His views may be ignorant or idiotic, but they perfectly sum up what everybody is thinking. Crowning Glory: To pick just one of Homer's many great lines seems to be an injustice, but one of my favourites is: "How am I supposed to last five days without shooting something?"

#6
Gordon Burns
The host of the greatest game show of all time - The Krypton Factor, Gordon was the perfect presenter. His slightly terrifying voice stood out magnificently as he described the fast-paced action. But since the show ended, he had to be contempt with hosting the lame A Word In Your Ear, then he became vice president of the doomed Champions' League. It is widely rumoured that Gordon still has the Krypton Factor's assault course in his back garden. Crowning Glory: His majestic side parting.

#5
Kieran Baxter
Rugby League fan Kieran is most noted for his predictable atire. He usually will only ever where either a rugby shirt or a lumberjack shirt (and obviously trousers, shoes, socks, etc. He's not one of those people). However KB is also recogniesd for his quality facial expressions, which can be interpretated as being either chirpy, or slightly homosexual. Crowning Glory: Becoming school treasurer (I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I'm sure it's good)

#4
Hugh Macdonald
A guitarist with Bon Jovi, you would probably refer to Hugh as the "other" of the band. However, Hugh is not a normal "other", he is in fact so much of an "other" that he isn't actually an official member of the band, even though he's played with them since their first single came out, and has also been in a lot of their videos. This gives him the title of the world's only unofficial "other", which, as you can imagine, is a very prestigious honour. Crowning Glory: He always wears sunglasses, leading me to believe that he has no eyes.

#3
Glenn Quinn
Chirpy Irishman Glenn plays the part of Doyle in Buffy spin-off Angel. Like all Irish people, he enjoys a good drink and is fun and wacky. Killed off about halfway through the series, Glenn never got the chance to fulfil his potential as the ultimate cult hero, playing a stereotypical Irish bloke (who just happens to be half-demon) in a show full of Americans. Crowing Glory: When he transforms into his demon persona, and becomes green and spotty.

#2
Seth Green
There are those who believe that Seth Green is God, these people are almost certainly right. Seth, who plays Oz in Buffy and Scott Evil in Austin Powers, has the power to hold people in his magical grasp as he sits quietly and then delivers his line perfectly. His rare pieces of script in Buffy are always, always brilliant. He also has the power to turn his hair into a variety of colours - blue, red, black, brown. His dry humour and wit make him too good to live on a planet where the likes of Quayle, Remde and Colin live. Crowning Glory: Like Homer Simpson, picking one line doesn't do justice to him, but what about: "Ice is cool, it's water, but it's not".

#1
George Lazenby
Who George Lazenby really was we'll probably never know. Indeed very little about him is known, I couldn't tell whether he's alive or dead. All we do know is that he was a guy, from a Milk Tray advert, who got the role of playing James Bond after Sean Connery retired from the role. He came in, did his job and left, as Connery returned in the next film. He was eclipsed by the other Bond's in terms of movies, even Timothy Dalton managed a second. However, if there is one thing our ultimate cult-hero can take to his grave (if he isn't already dead), it's that he will always be better than Roger Moore - but then again most people are...... even Fraggle. Crowning Glory: His disappearing act, no-one knows where the hell he is.