Rating: PG
Category: P.O.V
Summary: Jack reflecting on a mission gone tits up
Spoilers:
The other side/Scorched earth and majority of
season three
Author’s notes: This was another one of my 'part of a much bigger work that got the chop' fic's. I had a lot of fun writing this and didn't want it to get a one way trip to the recycling bin. So here it is, extended, with a little bit more of a point to it than the original incarnation. Finished 10 Jan '05.
Once
again thanks be to my wonderful beta and friend Lauretta!
Usual disclaimer: I don't own them sadly enough. They are the property of MGM/Sci-Fi and several others. I just like to borrow Jack and Daniel now and again:-)
It’s personnel review
time once again and once again Hammond has enlisted me in the distasteful task
of paper work. Luckily I’m only
responsible for writing my own team’s reviews and coordinating the submission
of the rest. It’s Hammond who has
to read the damn things.
Personally I hate review
time. It’s just a bureaucratic, stick it up your ass, exercise orchestrated by
the big wigs at the Pentagon. They
seem to think one little report will provide all they need to know about how the
folk down at the good ole SGC - who by way are responsible for the safety of the
entire PLANET - are coping. I would
like to suggest to them that they join us for a crisis or two and find out for
themselves, but Hammond’s forbade me from even approaching that red phone on
his desk.
The worst thing about
these reports is that the medical staff, namely Dr. Fraiser, Dr. Warner and the ever so nice, reliable and totally not a complete
bastard- yeah right- Dr. Mackenzie, also review the content. They
use the reports when it comes to the annual psyche evaluations, which are intended to inform them about the state of mind of our hard
working officers and civilian staff alike.
My main worry is
Danny’s evaluation is going to be on top of the pile of ‘unbalanced’ due
to his off the wall behaviour of late. I had been hoping it was
all in my mind, that I was just being overly protective of him because of all
the crap we’d been through lately. However
I have had to admit, to Teal’c of all people, that I’m worried about him.
More than I usually am.
This last mission, a
simple relocation that turned into a personal team war, was the real eye opener
at how far I’d let things get. As
usual it was Daniel in the thick of it all.
He was the main instigator, the troublemaker, yet somehow we had all
chosen sides. Teal’c was standing
idly by watching Daniel run amuck with my orders and risking his life in the
process. Carter was extremely
unhappy with me regarding the whole ‘Naquada bomb’ idea, but didn’t seem
to want to pose any ideas of her own. I
was extremely unhappy with Daniel and Teal’c, Daniel because he seemed
to be deliberately trying to push my buttons and Teal’c because he wasn’t
doing anything about it!
I know where all this is
coming from. It’s the Euronda
mission coming back to bite us all on the ass.
That mission was another occasion when Daniel caused waves, as it turned
out he had good reason to, but we didn’t know that then and we took sides.
It was the three of us against him, and we all lost, big time.
I knew full well just why General Hammond was so
willing to offer support, hell, I saw the potential there too. I had hoped everything would pan out fine that the Euronda people would be saints, we’d save them and they’d, in turn, save us.
Everyone’s happy. But no, it just couldn’t be that simple could it?
Daniel, in his extreme naïveté, which everyone including him thinks he’s lost – I know better of course - didn’t even think for ONE minute about the technological potential. His mind just doesn’t work that way. He wanted to help them, plain and simple. So of course the very second everybody was taking his side and supporting his idea to help he became suspicious, smart lad. Our lethal mistake was we humoured him, let him think what we were doing was out of the goodness of our hearts. When he accused us outright, 'This mission has never been about helping them has it? We're here to help ourselves?' Despite his hurt and disappointment in us, which he wasn't ashamed to be showing, all I could do was order Carter to get him out of my sight. How we can possibly consider ourselves his friends I don’t know, and for once it wasn’t just me screwing up, although I have to admit I did the most damage with that ‘shut up’ comment.
So what was the outcome?
We didn’t get the technology, no one got saved, as such, and Daniel
came back knowing myself, Sam, Teal’c, even General Hammond never took him
seriously and it hurt him deeply. For
years he’d held his own with us, exchanged ideas, got to trust we wouldn’t
ridicule or dismiss him like his peers had, then in one fail swoop all four of
us turn around and slap him in the face. We
might as well have been honest from the start patted him on the head and said ‘Good
boy Danny, now why don’t you go play while the grown ups discuss things you
just can’t understand.’
Writing this report, I now realise we are the
cause of Daniel’s recent maverick attitude.
At the time of the mission I didn’t think it would have such an
impact on our lives, I apologised to Daniel the minute I realised what a fool
I’d been. Only I think it was a
matter of too little too late. Before
we’d even heard of Euronda Daniel’s self worth was at an all time low. Shau’re had been gone less than a year. It wasn't long after her funeral that I got my ass
stranded on a backward planet, light years from being able to get him drunk and
talking. Then I wasn’t back more
than a minute before the damn Tollan and Asgard came a knocking.
The whole secret opp never lasted more than a few weeks, but still, those
were weeks Daniel needed me. Just
as I’m about in a position to give Daniel a little TLC the Asgard stuck their
little grey butts in yet again. They
led us onto yet another ‘save the world mission’ that resulted in
emotionally scarring Daniel. Twice.
First because we left him behind and scared him silly by not knowing if
we were dead or alive for nine days, coming straight after Nick had abandoned
him for a second time must have been just peachy. Second when, after miraculously returning safe and sound,
Teal’c and I end up giving Daniel a front row seat to our own demise.
Having watched both parents meet their maker in full Technicolor must
have been hard enough without having a repeat performance with his adopted
family. He must have felt eight years old all over again.
I should have done
something back then when I had the chance.
With everyone coming and going out of his life like a yoyo was it such a
stretch to think Daniel might have been feeling a little insecure considering
the circumstances? If he had any
doubts about his place in our lives I think our behaviour toward him on Euronda
sealed the deal. How
could we have been so stupid? We’d
lost Daniel’s trust and respect all in one day.
He’s even stopped sharing his ideas unless asked a direct question.
He no longer comes to Teal’c or me for advice and goes off and does
things on his own when normally he’d turn to Carter for assistance.
Now
I’m here, in my own office, trying to evaluate him. What exactly am I supposed to say to round up this last year
to explain what happened, without making him sound unstable?
He’s hurt is all, and that hurt is founded, but he is by no means
unstable. The reason George pulled
me into his office earlier today enquiring about Daniel was because his actions
on our latest mission really caught his attention, I think it caught
everyone’s attention. George was
livid when I told him what had happened. The
word ‘suicidal’ came up of course. He
has a soft spot for Daniel that rivals my own.
The thought that Daniel had gotten to a point where he’d purposely
disobey me, at the risk of his own life, was disturbing.
It all worked out okay in the end though.
Daniel managed to save both races without any loss of life, his or anyone
else’s. The smug smile he gave me
when he informed everyone about finding the Enkaren’s home world proved he had
absolutely no friggin’ idea what kind of hell he’d put me through.
He thinks his actions yesterday showed us he was
independent, that he doesn’t need our approval or protection.
What I saw was a young man willing to sacrifice himself because his
friends had hurt his feelings so bad he just didn’t care anymore.
Sitting
here, thinking about the circumstances that lead up to yesterday’s events,
I’ve decided the damn reports can wait, some things are just more important.
Pushing back from the desk I immediately stand and walk out the door,
heading for Daniel’s office.
“Daniel?”
I’m taken by surprise to find Daniel hovering outside my door, in his
civvies no less.
“Err,
hi.” He’s being coy, eyes fixed
to the floor, scuffing his feet. He’s
up to something.
“What
you up to?” I try to sound aloof
and I think I pull it off, Daniel doesn’t suspect anything at any rate.
“I
was hoping to see you actually.” All
I do is raise my eyebrows and the ever so brief eye contact we shared is lost,
Daniel goes back to examining the floor. “Yeah
I kind of, think, I want to, I mean…sorry.”
Well that was a bit jumbled but I think I got the general idea he was trying to convey.
“Sorry?”
“For
yesterday, you know ship…blowing up…me…on it.”
“Oh
yes, I’d forgotten.” He does a
double take, obviously not sure if I’m joking or not. Oh boy.
I
walk over to where he’s standing, as far away from me as possible it seems,
and grab his upper arm. I ignore
the flinch that runs through him when my hand makes contact.
He’s done that a lot lately, I’m used it.
“What?"
“C’mon.”
I say in a mere whisper, pulling him along next to me.
“Jack?”
I think I’m scaring him now, he’s not sure if I’m still mad with
him or not.
“I’m
going to the locker room to change, then we’re heading out.”
“Out?”
I hate it when he pulls the dumb act.
I
enunciate the words very clearly to make sure there’s no misunderstanding.
“Out Daniel, as in outside.”
Bringing us to a stop once inside the elevator I turn to face him. Daniel
just blinks at me.
“You look like you’re dressed for it.” I say eyeing the jeans and beige sweater.
“Do
not.”
“Do
too.”
“Do
not.” He repeats, this time a
little indignant.
“Daniel,
shut up.”
I
look him dead in the eye. My tone
was neutral and he’s looking at me so intently I doubt I’m going to be able
to hide my grin for long.
The
elevator doors begin to shut and I crack. I
don’t say anything further, instead I wrap an arm around his shoulders and give
a good squeeze, letting my smile show. He looks rather confused, but I intend to sort that out, and
more. After all there is no time
like the present and with Daniel the way he is, the present is all I’m going
to have if I don’t make amends pretty quickly.
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