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Why Beer Should Be Served At Work |
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It reduces complains about poor pay. |
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It leads to more honest communication. |
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Employees work later since they no longer need to relax at the pub. |
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Burping during a meeting is no longer embarassing. |
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It's an incentive to go into work. |
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It cuts down on time off , because you can work with a hangover. |
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It increases your chance of seeing you boss naked |
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The cafeteria food suddenly tastes better. |
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It's easier to talk the boss into giving you a better payrise. |
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It encourages car-pooling. |
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It reduces stress. |
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Health Warnings |
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Consumption of alcohol may make you think that you can logically talk with
members of the opposite sex without spitting. |
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Consumption of alcohol may make you think that people are laughing with you. |
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Consumption of alcohol may cause you to time travel, whereby, gaps of time will
mysteriously disappear. |
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Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over any see something really scary. |
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Consumption of alcohol may cause you think that you are whispering when you're not. |
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Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you are invisible. |
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Have You Drank Too Much When............. |
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You lose arguments with inanimate objects. |
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Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. |
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You are unhappy when you realise you have two hands, but only one mouth. |
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You have to hold onto the ground to stop your self falling off the earth. |
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Your job is interfering with your drinking. |
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The car park has moved while you were in the pub. |
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The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in. |
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Flies get a buzz after biting you. |
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You can focus better with one eye closed. |
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4 beers have as many calories as a burger, so you decide to forget lunch. |
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Common Beer Problems & Solutions
| SYMPTOM: |
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. |
| FAULT: |
Glass empty. |
| ACTION: |
Find someone who will buy you another beer. |
| SYMPTOM: |
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. |
| FAULT: |
Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. |
| ACTION: |
Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. |
| SYMPTOM: |
Feet wet and cold. |
| FAULT: |
Glass being held at incorrect angle. |
| ACTION: |
Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. |
| SYMPTOM: |
Feet warm and wet. |
| FAULT: |
Improper bladder control. |
| ACTION: |
Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. |
| SYMPTOM: |
Floor blurred. |
| FAULT: |
You are looking through bottom of empty glass. |
| ACTION: |
Find someone who will buy you another beer. |
| SYMPTOM: |
Floor moving |
| FAULT: |
You are being carried out. |
| ACTION: |
Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. |
| SYMPTOM: |
Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it. |
| FAULT: |
You have fallen over backward. |
| ACTION: |
If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar. |
| SYMPTOM: |
Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. |
| FAULT: |
You have fallen forward. |
| ACTION: |
See above. |
| SYMPTOM: |
Everything has gone dark. |
| FAULT: |
The Bar is closing. |
| ACTION: |
Panic. |
| SYMPTOM: |
You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. |
| FAULT: |
You have spent the night in the gutter |
| ACTION: |
Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in. |
Beer Stories
Great Beer
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?' The Guinness president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.
Scientific News
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer a day and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
Beer Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey starts to run wild, eating everything in sight - bar snacks, cigarette butts, he even jumps up on to the pool table and eats the cue-ball. The barman asks the man to leave and to take his monkey with him.
A week later, the same man and the same monkey return to the same bar. Again the monkey goes mad, but this time he sticks everything up his butt before pulling it out and eating it.
"Sir," says the barman, "your monkey is disgusting. It seems to be putting things up it's butt, and then pulling them out and eating them!"
"Yeah," says the man. "He's always been a glutton, but ever since he ate that cue-ball he measures everything first"
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