Talyllyn Railway - a guide for Volunteers
 
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For general information, visit the official Talyllyn Railway website

These pages are entirely my opinions, and have nothing to do with the Talyllyn Railway management whatsoever.  So don’t take them seriously. (The opinions, rather than the TR management)

Fireman's view of Hendy Bank in the snow. Picture Copyright EPK 2001

I spend a lot of my free time as a volunteer on the Talyllyn Railway.  I have been volunteering since I was 14, and have become a Fireman, Guard and trainee Bodger.  This is a little guide to being a TR volunteer, which I have made up entirely and the incidents portrayed are not based on anyone at all. ;-)

WARNING: this is a 'Bill Free' Website. There are NO photos of Bill. So any Bill Groupies, Stalkers and suchlike, don't get your hopes up. Just look at the past 5 years 'TR News' and the new TR Guidebook (available from the Railway Shop) if you need to get a fix. Alternativly visit the Ffestiniog and look for 'Tal', for that is where he shall be...


Footplate Crews

A Fireman’s duties involve preparing the engine for the day, by lighting her up and then cleaning her (steam locomotives are usually referred to as ‘she’: apparently this is because of their temperamental nature) and ensuring that the Driver has enough steam to drive the train with (personal record is 50 lbs/sqinch).  This is a lovely warm job in the winter, but can get a bit too warm in the summer.  It is also very good exercise, because of all the coal shovelling and general lugging things about.  I was a good shot putter at school because of this.

Compulsory footplate equipment:

  • Tea in a plastic cup
  • Lunch
  • Sense of humour / fixed grin
  • Piece of chalk for serious situations (for drawing a line across the cab...)
  •  Mobile phones are now becoming popular as a tea-ordering device, or to talk to your friends who are travelling on the train.

Bad things to do when firing:

  • Go to sleep
  •  Forget to make the driver tea / coffee / weak strawberry milkshake at Wharf
  • Forget your matches (soo humiliating…especially if you have to ask your know-it-all cleaner for a light)
  • Forget to put coal on the fire / let the fire go out.  Especially on AGM day.
  • Fall off the footplate going over Dolgoch Viaduct
  •   ‘Forget’ to turn up at 6:45am after several pints in the Whitehall the previous night.
  • Antagonise the cleaners / driver / workshop staff
  • Tell the driver what a jolly good chap you are and that you ought to be a driver by now
  • Laugh at another Fireman’s misfortune; next time, it could be you
  • Drop your mobile phone into the firebox

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Humouring Your Driver - this is VERY important and will ensure rapid promotion
  • Laugh at all their stories, even if you have heard them several times before. Do not correct them if the details change at each telling, even if you were there when it happened. Drivers are Always Right
  • When you are allowed the regulator, stop staring at the pressure and water guages. That will not make the water or steam come back. Remember, Rank Has Its Privileges, and one of them is to be crap at fireing (ability to fire decreases in proportion to increase in rank, allegedly) However, its OK for them to criticise your fireing, so just laugh smugly to yourself when they do, even if you are good at going down the pan.
  • Let them clean the loco if they want. Just don't let them see you following them around with the rag.
  • If they insist on changing sides just because there is a camera about, grit your teeth and smile. If it makes him happy....
  • Using a 6" adjustable to get a half notch may seem completely pointless, but if it makes him happy...
  • Don't argue. Drivers are Always Right, even when you can prove beyond all reasonable doubt that they are wrong.
  • If he wants to grow an orange grove at the top of Cynfal Bank, buy him oranges so he has a chance of achieving his ambition. Even better, plant an orange tree at the top of Cynfal Bank so he thinks he has achieved his ambition.
  • Remember to point out that it is 'Clear round the bend' and that Nant is 'Unmanned'.
  • 'No, of course you wern't speeding going up Cynfal / Six Bends / into Wharf' .
  • The old jokes are the best. Just keep laughing. Just make sure they think its WITH them not AT them.
  • You can always blow off if the giggling / incessent pointless chatter gets to you.
  • Each Driver has their little foibles. Learn their little ways and take the piss out of them at every opportunity, especially when other Drivers are about. For some reason this makes the Other Drivers feel superior, as obviously THEY don't have ANY silly little annoying habits.
  • If they let you join their little clique in the pub, remember to buy them lots of drink, laugh at all their jokes and stories and stay up late (even though you are on early turn, and they don't have to be on-shed untill 10:30. RHIP).

GET OUT CLAUSE: Obviously some Drivers are very good at fireing, very good at cleaning and are actually quite amusing company. Some Drivers will even buy you drinks / make you cups of tea, and buy you tea cake / ice creams at Abergynolwyn etc. So of course none of these points apply to you. No, really...

Jon, Phil and Kazza demonstrate how to fire properly
 An example of humouring your driver - bring your own pressure and water guages (and loco). Jon, Phil and Kazza at the YMG Training weekend April 2002. Photo taken by Paul Shuttleworth on Kazza's camera. Marvellous! Caption Competition entries welcome.

with thanks to PRG and PJH for inspiration. any other methods of humouring drivers gratefully accepted.

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How To Annoy Your Driver - this does NOT aid promotion but is more fun than humouring them
  • Talk incessently about your driving experience on other railways, especially big railways. Name dropping is also annoying.
  • Tell them how the Other Drivers drive ('Well, so-and-so always slows down here..')
  • Squash their lunch.
  • Order the wrong drink / food at Dolgoch.
  • Produce the thickest, evilist black smoke you possibly can, especially at Wharf and going through Pendre.
  • Tell them how good you are at driving, whilst ignoring the falling pressure guage and that the fusible plug is about to go bang.
  • Blow off loudly, especially when they are in the middle of a really 'funny' story that they've never told you before (well, the current version anyway...)
  • Hide their 6" adjustable so they can't make up new notches.
  • Wear the filthyist overalls you can find, unless you have a cleaner pair than your Driver.
  • Wear the sillyist waistcoat / hat you can find, even when it isn't Victorian Week.
  • Ignore them and talk to the cleaner instead.
  • Forget to put coal and water in the engine, and then blame the lack of pressure / water on the Driver's speeding.
  • Practice saying 'Clear Round the Bend' at every opportunity, so you don't forget when you are on with Another Driver.
  • Find out what their favourite engine is and slag it off at every opportunity.
  • Find out what their least favourite engine is and praise it continuously.
  • If they let you drive, keep staring at the pressure and water guages. If they have to leave the footplate, look in the firebox, and rattle the shovel loudly or put the injectors on.
  • Call them by the nickname that they don't like and everyone else calls them behind their back
  • Use the correct response to questions, such as 'OK', 'Green it is' and 'Eh?'.
  • Always ensure you are doing something else (e.g. combing your hair, chatting to someone in the front carriage, telling the third man why you should be a Driver) when you should be looking out for signals or sheep, doing the token exchange, fireing etc.

(This list has the PRG and DJS seal of approval. So there.)

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Guards

Guards are nominally in charge of the train, and they get the joyous job of blowing whistles, waving flags and wearing poncy waistcoats (unlike certain Loco crew types who would NEVER wear poncy shirts, ties or waistcoats)

Top Guarding Tips:

  • Wearing lots of badges is bad for your posture.  Just don’t do it.  Please.
  •    Let the Assistant do all the work, while you sit in the corner and read your ‘Guardian’ / ‘Times’ / ‘Daily Sport’
  •  Let the Assistant do all the work, except wave the flag and blow the whistle in stations.
  • Let the Assistant clean the whole train set while you enjoy a lie in and a leisurely breakfast, then turn up just as the engine comes off shed.  Then not let the Assistant have the flag all day.
  • Let the Assistant do the air brake test, so you don’t have to pretend you know what you are doing
  • Try to remember where you are.  Yes, you may very proud of shouting ‘Abergynolwyn’ very loudly as you go into the station, but if you have just pulled into Dolgoch Falls this could be a tad embarrassing.
  • When guarding at night, it helps the engine crew if you let them know you are on the train when leaving stations.  This saves the embarrassment of finding out two miles later that the train has no guard.
  • Make sure you have a Joint Turn with another Guard to remember how to do it properly. Just don't scare the Trainee Guard by flirting all the time with each other.

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Guide to TR Barbeques / Bonfires and Jollies Up The Line or to Other Railways:

    • Get drunk before you get on the train (but not if you are part of the Train Crew, save that for later)
    • Learn all the traditional TR singalong songs…’Yogi’, ‘On Ilkley Moor Ba Tat’, ‘Wild Rover’, ‘Neighbours’ theme tune.
    • Discover the best places to sit so you can be first at the bar when the train stops.
    • Wrap up warmly, with waterproofs and large pockets to store cans of Carling / flasks of whisky. This applies during the summer too.
    • Don't forget the insect repellant. You will regret it.
    • There will always be at least one person having a trauma during the evening
    • Someone will always be sick on the train / bus going home. (YMG Golden Bucket Award anyone?)
    • Find out where Brynglas is.  It is a relieving station on the return journey for drunken volunteers. 
      {Females should try not to sit on nettles during relief stops, as they will get the rip taken out of them for a very long time afterwards. (‘Oh me bum!!’)}
    • Find out where the after barbeque party is, and store drink there during the day for later. Some decent CDs and a good sound system would be good too, especially during the barbeque ;-)
    • Learn the dance moves to Steps, Spice Girl songs, S-Club, Timewarp and the Macarena. Oh sorry, thats just Bill...
    • Form your own clique, giggle mysteriously a lot and stare blankly at anyone who is not in your clique until they go away. This is a general TR tradition and not just restricted to barbeques.
    • Don't forget to bring your sunglasses to wear the next day when you hang around Wharf suffering from a very bad hangover. Even over New Year.
    • The latest craze is to select a member of the LlechVan posse, ply them with alcohol, then run a sweepstake on what time they will puke. Then spend time after the barbeque trying to make them puke by mooning at them through the caravan window. Example (WARNING!! NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED! Gratuitous Mooning Picture!)
how many can you fit in a carriage?

August Bank Holiday 2002... The 'How Many Volunteers Can You Fit Into a Carriage' competition gets off to a flying start. Nice to see Mikey looking his usual happy self... No, Bill isn't in this picture, he was in THE carriage further down the train. There was a bit of a scramble at Brynglas, but everyone fitted back in OK. Eventually.

Coming soon... the 'TR Guide to Stalking', and 'A Cleaners Guide to Rapid Promotion' plus those all important 'Workshop Weekly Notices'

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