GO TO HOME e mail me at :hope2bsurvivor@yahoo.co.uk ".....clinical depression
is a real problem, that it ruins lives, that it ends lives, that
it very nearly ended my life, that it afflicts many many people,
many very bright and worthy and thoughtful and caring people,
people who could probably save the world or at least do it some
real good, people who are too mired in despair even to begin to
unleash the lifespring of potential that they likely have down
deep inside." An extract from 'Prozac Nation'
by Elizabeth Wurtzel Depression is an illness and
my personal account of it is no substitute for professional help.
If you need help then please find somebody to talk to "The Angel that presided
o'er my birth Said 'little creature, form'd
of Joy and Mirth, Go love without the help of
any Thing on earth" William Blake (1757 - 1827) Depression
forced me to live in the confines of my own little world, a dark
sinister world that no child should be allowed to enter on their
own. It is dangerous and unrelenting. Although it's intensity
varied it has always been there - lodged firmly in the chaos.
Depression has walked or stumbled with me every day of my life.
Self harm distanced itself from me for brief moments of time but
nothing has ever taken it away. I suppose if I was born with it
then I will probably die with it - but I do not want to die from
it. It is said
that depression is caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the
brain - if this is the case then the quantities of chemicals in
the cocktail of my brain are certainly wrong. It is a lethal
cocktail that came close to destroying me. I'm sure the abuse
fuelled my depression and kept the disease escalating but I do
not think that I can even blame my Fathers abuse for this one.
Depression imprisoned me in it's viscious circle, I became
depressed because I was depressed and the more depressed I got
the worse the depression. And that's how it went on, getting
worse and worse. "It's
a long way from not having enough serotonin to thinking that the
world is stale, flat and unprofitable" An extract from 'Girl
Interrupted' by Susanna Kaysen As I child I
saw happiness as a wondrous presence that I could never quite
reach. I sensed it in the people around me, in the playground or
the park, or just seeing it on the television. Laughter scared me
as I could never quite work out what it was all about - how could
people laugh when they felt so gloomy inside. It was not until I
was older that it dawned on me that the very reason why they were
able to laugh was because they didn't feel the despair I felt. I
soon learnt to pretend to smile and laugh so that I could pass
off as normal - well, normal enough to go largely unnoticed. I used to be told that my future was full of promise but all I ever felt full of was despair. The Sky breaks It sags and breathes upon my
face, in the presence of mine enemies,
mine enemies. The world is full of enemies There is no safe place Anne Sexton (1928-74) I hated the
blackness, the feeling of wanting to curl up and die, of wanting
to sleep my life away in the fold of misery. My head seemed to be
a whirlwind of noise that was constantly thinking, thinking too
much. I rarely spoke through primary school and secondary school
and college and university - only when I had to. I spoke more
with friends but strange as it may sound talking out loud has
never felt that natural to me. I talk a lot more in my head but
of course no body can hear this although sometimes my head sounds
so loud that I think maybe they can. Sometimes my head was so
full of voices I didn't really know which one was mine. It is
only in the last few years that I can distinguish my own voice
from the noise and I now talk a lot more than I once did. I
actually quite enjoy talking now! The first
time I attended counselling sessions was at the age of sixteen
and it was probably about then that I realised the way I was
feeling had a medical label. Since then I have sat in the offices
of many counsellors and therapists. It's strange how similar each
room has looked! I was given the space to talk confidentially but
I never revealed everything that I was feeling as I never felt
100% comfortable talking to strangers who were paid to listen.
Even though I didn't particularly like some of them they all
helped me to add to my understanding of depression. It's through
understanding the mental trauma that I have formed a way of
coping with depression. I've researched it, read about it,
written about it but the biggest insight I have into what it is
like is that I have lived it. It nearly killed me a few times but
I have survived it. Everyone has bad days but depression is not
just one bad day, it is countless bad days. It's day after day
after day. Not only for the past I grieve, The future fills me with dismay; Unless Thou hasten to relieve, I know my heart will fade away. Anne Bronte At one stage,
a couple of years ago I was prescribed an anti depressant. There
is medical evidence that they do help many people but I was not
one of them. I actually believe anti depressants made me worse
which I didn't think was possible at the time. I never saw Prozac
or any other anti depressant as a solution or a cure and was not
that willing to try it. However when you are sinking you will try
anything not to drown. I don't know whether my Doctor understood
that this was a life time illness and that a tablet was not going
to take it away. Perhaps if it had just been depression brought
on by work stress it may have worked. The anti depressant I took
made me numb and so damned tired that my life became a blur -
maybe that is what they were suppose to do. I stopped taking the
medication because I had an allergic reaction to it - an allergic
reaction I was thankful for as it stopped the doctor persuading
me to continue taking it. I suppose I could have tried another
type of anti depressant but after the withdrawal symtoms I had
coming off the tablets it's left me fearful of taking any long
term medication. And somethings odd - within - That person that I was- And this One- do not feel the
same - Could it be madness - this? Emily Dickinson (1830-86) Currently I
am not in therapy and not on any medication. I still suffer from
depression but I have learnt to cope with it. I live with it or
rather it lives with me. There are still days when it buries me
in it's darkness but it is not as disabling to the mind as it
once was. I have found that if I don't use up all my energy
fighting it, I have the reserves to cope with it and not let it
damage my life too much. Usually the darkness only lasts for a
few days. Most days I feel okay. Okay is a comfortable state of
mind to be in when you never thought that you'd ever mean it wnen
you said,'I am O.K'. The days I feel happy are a bonus and they
are fantastic days. I keep my life fairly uncomplicated to live
with depression in this way but hopefully with time I will be
able to cope with a slightly more hectic life. For now I am happy
with living instead of just existing. It takes a hell of a lot of
work and heartache but depression is a survivable disease. I know the bottom, she says I know it with my great tap root. It is what you fear. I do not fear it: I have been
there. 'Elm' Sylvia Plath Depression
and it's treatment are talked about a lot now throughout the
media. It has even been given comic value. Some of the jokes are
funny but I do worry that people will forget what a serious and
disabilitating illness depression can be. So many people visit
their Doctor suffering from depression and many are prescribed an
anti depressant. I'm not sure how many of them are helped by
today's treatment - but taking the 'happy pill' is seen as an
answer for many. This messed up world seems to be breeding a
whole load of messed up people. Depression is a word that is
often used quite flippantly in society and I think that sometimes
it is forgotten that it can kill and does kill many people every
year. "In
those pamphlets that they give at mental health centres where
they list the ten or so symptoms that would indicate a clinical
depression, "suicide threats" or even simple "talk
of suicide" is considered cause for concern. I guess the
point is that what's just talk one day may become a real activity
the next." Extract from 'Prozac Nation' by
Elizabeth Wurtzel Depression
does not allow you the luxury of recognising or appreciating the
better things in life. Depression shields hope from it's victims
eyes. With the scale of world tradgedy depression seems a selfish
illness and I do know that many many people are suffering more
than I ever did or probably ever will.Yet however much I think
about that, however guilty I feel( and I do feel guilty) my
depression does not go away. Depression's grip on an individual
is extremely strong and in the Western world it is an illness of
epidemic proportions. Keep Hoping