e mail me at :hope2bsurvivor@yahoo.co.uk
This page is really aimed at friends and family of those who self harm. How can you help? Every self harm story is different and a persons needs vary greatly, but all need support. I've collected information from research and used my own experience to put together a list of things that may ease the distress of someone who self harms. If you read it and thinks something should be added then e mail your suggestion to me.
"can do it, will do it"
Those are the words that someone wrote for me on a pink post it note a couple of years ago. And I still have them and I still need them. It is not so much the words, it's the fact that they were written by somebody who seemed to care whether I was happy or sad, whether I lived or died. Someone who was really listening to me and believing in me. At last someone had the time and patience to sit with me and let me talk, let me cry and let me feel like I mattered.
People who self harm are usually in a great deal of distress and need a lot of support and care. They need to be listened to. Yet many stay silent through shame and fear. I stayed silent for many, many years. Telling someone was never an issue until I reached my teenage years and then I just didn't think anybody would ever be bothered to listen. I was too busy trying to survive and trying to be normal to be telling anyone my secret. It felt safer keeping it a secret, that way no one could touch it or take it away. Self harm was something I needed and something I felt I deserved.
When I did tell someone it was a relief that somebody knew, but I also felt extremely vunerable. I was scared that the way of coping I had known for my whole life was being threatened. By admitting it, I was also questioning it. I knew things were going to change and change is something I do not deal with well. I'd lived in my own closed up world of self harm and suddenly I'd opened it up and let someone in. The feeling I remember most is terror - What was going to happen to me now? What happens to people who cut themselves to feel better? I was frightened and yet comforted by the fact someone knew. I now know I did the right thing by telling. Healing is easier if you have support.
If someone tells you that they self harm:
it is because they trust you
they are probably in a great deal of distress - do not belittle what they are going through
listen
hold their hand
if they are comfortable with it give them a hug.It may make them feel more real
let them cry
tell them you will always be there for them (only if you will)
never tell them that they are exaggerating their distress - they probably aren't
do not tell them to stop. They will stop when they are ready
talk about possibilities of professional help
they are not telling you just to get attention or to manipulate you
if you cannot cope with what they are saying explain that to them in a sympathetic manner and give them other avenues to seek help. Do not walk away with no explaination
tell them they are not alone
if you feel they are being too demanding do not get angry with them. Tell them gently that you need your own space
if you really feel that they are a danger to themselves, (bearing in mind that self harm is rarely an attempt at suicide) ring the hospital for advice.
they are vunerable - do not abuse their trust in you
be gentle
if you ask 'why?' they may not be able to answer
ask them how you can help. They may not know - ask again another time
do not put conditions on your support
do not tell them they are stupid
do not be judgemental
be patient
show them you care
Keep Hoping