NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To
the citizens of the United States of America
In
the light of your failure to elect a head of state and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which
she does not fancy). Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up
"aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how
wrong you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the
same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to
get confused and give up half way through.
6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football.
What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
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