Player Ratings

Maradona award for best "Hand of God" goes to Chris Foster

Jurgen Klinsman award for best dive goes to Bernie Muollo

Robberto Baggio award for best penalty goes to Nick Bray

Gareth Southgate Award for worst penalty goes to Chris Parr

David James present a goal to the opposition award goes to James Augustus

Tim Flowers save of the tournament award goes to James Augustus

Jay Jay Okocha Award for best goal celebrations and flip goes to Paul
McCudden (although it was pathetic)

Paul Gasgoine "who ate all the pies" award goes to Phil Bray, Paul McCudden,
Steve Parker, Paul Smith, David James, Graeme Burton, Kev Batchelor, James
Augustus, Phil Abbott , Nick Bray, Chris Parr, Chris Foster & John Currie.

Frank Sinclair block tackle of the tournament goes to Chris Foster

Matt Elliot great influence over the squad award goes to Phil Bray

The Ian Rush "I didn't like living in Italy, it was like living in a foreign
country" award goes to Kev & Sue Batchelor for eating pizza in an Indian
restaurant

The Matt Elliott "I'm blind without my contacts" award goes to Phil Abbott

The Lee Marshall "I'll play where-ever you put me boss" award goes to Graeme
Burton

The Paul Merson "I'm not fit enough to play" award goes to David James

The $%^%$^ Taylor "I'll just watch the game and show no emotions award goes
to Neil James

The Gerry Taggart defensive header of the tournament goes to Steve Parker

The Ade Akinbiyi misses of the tournament award(s) goes to Paul Smith

The Trevor Benjamin back pass to the opposition keeper award goes to John
Currie

Matt Le Tissier "you've got a bloody big nose award" goes to TEAM VOTE

Denis Wise "right hook of the weekend" goes to no one, I just had to put
that in.

Denis Wise "two footed challenge" award goes to Paul McCudden for every one
he made

Thierry Henry "I'm a cocky twat" award goes to Paul McCudden for his
free-kick



Ratings for the Tournament:

James Augustus - 5/10 - Conceded a few goals and that isn't on. Made one
error where he dropped the ball at the strikers feet but is also turning out
to be an excellent shot stopper. Brilliant save against Boro in the second
half. Needs to work on his receiving of penalties as hit it either side of
him and it is a goal. Didn't actually save a penalty but we still won (ala
LCFC Vs Leeds in Wortho Cup), also needs to work on his goal kicks. For that
reason he should be known as Tim Flowers



Kev Batchelor - 6/10 - Didn't give a penalty away!! As always got stuck in
and almost spends as much time on the ground as Steve Parker because he
likes his sliding challenges. Always gives one hundred percent and always
seems to be playing injured - although that could be an excuse. Needs to
work on marking at free-kicks because is always about 10 yards behind
everyone else. Will take the player if he doesn't get the ball and as he has
scored an own goal in the past he can be called Mad Frank.



Phil Bray - 3/10 - Let's be honest, what did he do all tournament? Apart
from get the star players all drunk? His clearances were getting worse as
the games went on as he went for power rather than direction. Absolutely
comic when he tried to clear the ball against Derby on his left foot - lined
it up, lined it up again, and again, 30 minutes later the defender had taken
the ball off him. Because he is only left footed, can't pass the ball to
save himself and is the skipper we should all call him Walshie from now on.
(Note, I wanted to call him Phil Neville but as he doesn't play for
Leicester I can't).



Chris Foster - 6/10 - Very composed for someone playing his first games.
Usually it would take a good 10 games to get used to this lot. Played well
throughout the tournament and made a lot of crucial clearances. Also got an
assist for one of the goals against Brentford. Got a good long throw and is
a good passer of the ball. Can't play football with a hangover though and
his attempt to take the ball out against Derby was almost lethal. But we'll
blame that on the skipper. Should be playing volleyball, as has a good punch
on him. As he has a long throw and plays central defence he will now be
known as Jon Ashton.



Steve Parker - AKA "The Cat" - but only to Fulham fans. - 6/10 - A utility
player (which is a polite word for shite). Actually had a good tournament
playing most games at left back which is not bad considering his left foot
is just for standing on. Made a lot of crucial tackles and most of them
without falling over. Best performance against Derby when he made some
excellent clearances. Did very well in goal and unlucky to concede. Because
he is "very" solid and, due to his performance against Derby, we shall call
him Gerry Taggart.



Paul McCudden - "Alright Skip" - 8/10 - Classy player, if not a little
volatile. Would compare him to someone like Steven Gerrard in the middle of
midfield. Very tenacious, battles hard for the ball, never gives up. Good
ball skills and accurate passer. Good at bringing other players into the
game (usually the opposition players but that's another matter). Loud and
gobby but that is what you need. Very poor at celebrating goals - needs to
work on that. Good finisher and good at free-kicks. In fact - what IS he
doing playing for the IF's?? Sometimes goes a little too far with the ball
when he should release and is very good at two footed challenges. Who can he
be? A cross between Denis Wise (2 footed challenges), Arnar Gunnlongname
(free-kicks) & Matthew Jones (Goal Celebration)? Probably Muzzy Izzet which
is a lot of respect for someone with a particularly dodgy accent.



Bernie Muollo - Pure Class. Improved as the tournament went on which wasn't
hard. Played with a badly bruised foot after being kicked in the first game.
Funny how opposition teams always try and crock the best player. Pity he's
not English, would have him in the squad for the Euro 2004 Qualifiers.



Nick Bray - 6/10 - Another good addition to the squad.. Another good
midfielder that is much like the guy from Wolves with the dodgy accent..
Battles hard for the ball & never gives up. Good ball skills and accurate
passer. Just can't take his alcohol and needs to work on playing footy with
a hangover. Also needs to break away from the nasty influence of his uncle.
City player that he is most like is Lee Marshall - ha! Okay, may be not
then - Neil Lennon because he is a little overweight.



Chris Parr - 3/10 - Loses two points for supporting Bolton and another 2
points for wearing his Bolton shirt during the tournament! Another healthy
addition to the squad. A left midfielder that got stuck in and battled hard
for the ball. Was often seen in defence helping out and made some very good
clearances. Needs to work on his finishing though after missing two good
chances in the Derby game - although we'll blame that on the skipper.

Penalty was pathetic also but it was a good thing the opposition keeper fell
the wrong way after sneezing. Bolton supporter, left-sided - got to be Arnar
Gunnlongername.



Paul Smith - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - best laugh I've had in years.



John Currie - 6/10 - Another new recruit that played well for most of the
tournament. However, as our "star striker" coming back with a goal total of
one was pretty piss poor really. Good at holding up the ball and bringing
the midfield into play. Also good at running off the ball and creating
space. Confident on the ball as well. Just didn't score enough and was
particularly bad on Sunday missing a sitter - but we'll blame that on the
skipper. Got to be Roberto Mancini because he's more concerned about how he
looks.



Phil Abbott - 7/10 - Another utility player which like with Steve Parker
basically means, he's shite. Had a good tournament playing well in the
outfield and keeping a clean sheet the half he had in goal. Always gets in
the way and annoys the opposition players making key challenges and
clearances when required. Good rotational player to have. Blind as a bat
though. Kind of at fault at the goal conceded against Brentford but we'll
blame that on the skipper - we're blaming everything else on him. Provided
great entertainment when played second half against Stockport in track
pants. Has to be without doubt Lenny Glover just for the "tights" he played
in.



David James - 5/10 - About as fit as an 80 year old who has just run the
London Marathon. Played well the very short time we saw him. As with the
rest of the team got stuck in, defended well, ran forward and took about 20
minutes to get back. Needs to seriously work on his fitness but was good to
see him back. Has to be the Matt Jones that Bassett loved so much.



Neil James - 8/10 - Never played a game but put the kit on anyway. Despite
being unfit to play in the tournament, still came and watched and supported
the side. Great stuff. Good to see him back and hopefully he'll be fit next
year. Former Leicester player - The Birch.



Graeme Burton - 7/10 - An improvement on last year because he didn't go in
for any two-footed challenges. Always shows up and is available to play
whenever required and in whatever position required. Another utility player,
which means he is shite too. Played in midfield and gave good support to the
defence and also got forward a bit. Very good defensively too. I don't know
a Leicester player who plays with a hanky but he can be Andy Impey - don't
ask me why.



Paul Smith - 8/10 - some of the points are for entertainment value. Also for
brightness of shirt and dodgy hat. Actually played very well if you exclude
the scoring of goals, which does help when you are a striker. Held the ball
up well, brought other players in well and ran off the ball well. Finishing
was atrocious and the two misses in the Brentford game were unbelievable
(well would have been unbelievable had it not been Smiffy).
 Player to
compare him to??? Ade?, Trev?, Heskey?, Cresswell? Or one time City Target
Andy Booth? - I can't decide really.