"What I hear, I
forget; what I see, I remember; what I do, I understand....."
It still astonishes me that we as parents have to try to qualify everything we do and say with regard to our children. What I mean by this is the amount of stress that as parents we are out
through about how our children are being educated. Those of
us with children in mainstream education who do not have a
statement or the support of the school behind us feel aggrieved
that our views, opinions and suggestions are sidelined or ignored as the school teachers say they "Don't have a problem" at school even though we know from others that this is not true!! ..... When a parent brings up concerns with regard to their child's education it is not a black mark against the teacher or even the school or that the parent is wrapping their child up in cotton wool it is just that the parent believes that there is a REAL problem and to have this ignored is frustrating to say the least!!!
Please, please try to put yourselves in those parents' shoes and imagine how hard it is for them to cope with a child that has ASD that is anxious and stressed about attending school ..... what would you do?? Would you let your child be so stressed that it is causing them mental anguish or would you approach the teacher to try to alleviate some of the stress?? Would you not expect that teacher to listen to what you were saying and take some appropriate action to help? Or if they were at a loss as to what to do would you not expect them to ask you how they can help and really mean it!!?? Would you not expect to be listened to and believed about what you are saying to them instead of getting the feeling that they think you are neurotic?? Isn't your child the most important person in all of this? How
would you feel if you could see how much happier your child is
at home and how unhappy they are about going to school .... Would it not break your heart every morning having to leave them
in a place that you know they don't want to be? This is how it
is certainly for myself and a few other parents that I know.
So what is it you can do to help? .....
LISTEN to what the parents are saying if they raise a concern it is because it is causing a problem even if you are not seeing it at school. Our children tend to only show their real emotions where they feel safe so for many of us this is when they arrive home after school.
Don't lie or bend the truth to parents about what you will do for their child as this will only cause distrust and feelings of anger and resentment. A Parent is a very powerful ally and they do actually know what is the best way to handle their child. Although it is true to say that all children with ASD have the same triad of impairments it is also true to say that each ASD child is an individual and their autism will affect each in different ways so the parents insight is often the best way for you to be able to best help their child.
If the parents ask for things like visual timetables to be
introduced it is not on a whim or because they fancy making your
life more difficult on the contrary it is to make their child's
life easier and failing to provide such a simple thing is failing the child. You may think that the child is coping just
fine without one BUT in reality the child may not be coping
well at all and this leads to the anxiety and stress I mentioned earlier.
If the parents say they are worried about playtimes again this
is not to make extra work for you but a real problem that their child has brought up. Even the "active-but-odd" group in ASD who are socially engaging still find social situations
stressful and are unsure of what to do this often manifests
itself in the child with ASD "controlling" the play and if the other Neuro-typical (NT) children do not follow their rules they get very stressed and do not have the reasoning to understand why this happens.
Just because a child is not disruptive in class does not mean
that he is not having problems. When a child has a diagnosis of
ASD they need to be treated accordingly whether you see the need or not .... As Temple Grandin says "The autistic child is unable to bring order to his world. You must provide that order."
Make sure you say the child's name when giving instructions as
they may not realise that you mean for them to do it as well. This may feel to you like you are singling them out but believe
me they do not feel like that is the case at all!!
Make sure that the child can see you at all times and that you
check on their understanding by asking them what they think
they should be doing. Asking them if they understand is not
sufficient as often they will agree when they have no idea what
you are talking about.
If a parent has told you that their child does not like coming
to school it is a good idea to try to find out why the child
dislikes school so much but it is not a good idea to say to the
child but you are good at this and that as this just adds more pressure onto them. You must also take into account the fact that most children with ASD have underlying language
problems and may have a limited understanding of what you are
trying to say and also may take things literally ... Our child has shown this in as much as the teacher told him he wasn't to
be sad about coming to school and she wanted to see him with a
smile on his face so every morning after he has got through
tantrumming and refusing to dress and hitting out at me and I
eventually get him to school he puts a smile on his face because his teacher says he HAS to smile!!!
If a child with ASD is late in coming to school ask the parents
why as you might find that the reason is the child does not want to come to school and this makes them late and try not to
make the parents feel like you are accusing them of being the
ones to blame for their child's lateness as often this is not
the case at all as it is the child that makes them late in
getting to school and it would be better to have an understanding that the child will not be chastised for being
late as this is due to their disability and not laziness!!!
Homework can be another big issue with children with ASD ....
certainly in primary school it would be advantageous to allow
them not to do the homework as this can cause all kinds of
friction at home as often they do not understand why they should
do schoolwork at home as they see them as two separate places
school is school where they do work and home is home where they
play ..... It is possible for the parents to incorporate
spellings and reading into their home-life without the child
"knowing" that they are doing homework!! This is a tactic we have to resort to with our child as they refuse point blank to do homework and to be honest it is not worth the tantrums and tears!!!
Do not assume that parents do not know what is Neuro-typical and what isn't many of us have more than one child and are
experienced parents so comments like "all children do that" are not helpful as we understand that although all children may indeed do it it is obviously affecting their particular child to a degree that is not the "norm".
Above all remember that parents are often under great amounts of stress and may become angry or offended more easily as it is
easy as a parent to take things the wrong way and feel as though you are being called a bad parent when you know that you are not!!!!
Also I would like to add that we as parents also know that
schools are under a lot of pressure to "perform" and hit "targets" set for them to achieve but please don't this be at the expense of our children's education remember that you can make the difference between our children being stuck in a dead-end-job or being a rocket scientist!!! Use their obsessions to make schoolwork fun and understandable.
I hope this article doesn't seem over-critical it is written
from a parents perspective and I know that given the resources
all our children would get the help they need.
©2003 & Beyond
