Rumour has it that Rangers have a new team sponsor:- Tampax .
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the Clyde on a Saturday afternoon miles away from a radio or TV.
Suddenly one man turns to the other and says " Rangers have lost again."
The other man was astonished and said "How on earth do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

Billy the Hun was walking his dog one day, when he spots an old lamp.
He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it.
Suddenly, a genie appears and says "I am the cut price genie. I grant but one wish"
Billy thinks for a while and then says "Make my dog, ' Advocaat ' win Crufts"
The genie looks at Advocaat and says "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy and bald, its got fleas, its got a bit missing from one ear, it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a ------- miracle worker"
"Alright then", says Billy " Make Rangers win the League this year"
The genie stops for a moment, then says "Lets have another look at that dog again?"

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said,
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions.
I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and secterianism,bigotry and evil people trying to divide the glorious Celtic and Rangers ,
but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony
and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope.
He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*ck all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Glasgow Rangers Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone!.

Barry Ferguson walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Ferguson "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Ferguson. The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker....".

Question: What do you call a double decker bus with with ten Rangers fans driving over the edge of a cliff??
Answer: A waste of space as you can get loads more in.

Billy McWilliamson dies and approaches St Peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks him what he wants, he replies he wants into heaven.
St Peter tells him to wait while he checks his list.
St Peter returns and says sorry you are not on the list.
Billy asks why he's not on the list.
St Peter explains only people who have done some good during their earthly time are admitted to heaven.
Billy racks his brain and says i have done good i once gave £2 to the nuns collecting for the poor orphans.
St Peter is surprised at this revelation and says he will have to seek advice from a higher authority he disappears for ages and when he returns says to Billy yes I have found a record of this good deed.
Billy is delighted that his good work has been recognised and says can i get in now.
St Peter reaches over to him and places 2 coins into his hand and says here is your £2 now fuck off ya orange bastard!

A shabby looking young man wearing a Rangers shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in.
Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once." Said the Hun "And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Parkhead to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the Tims decked in full Rangers gear."
"My, that is brave!. When did you do that?"
"About 3 minutes ago..."

Life after football for McCoist!
After a long and fruitful life, Ally Mcoist dies peacefully in his sleep.
On arriving in heaven God is waiting at the gates.
"Now Ally he says, "because you have impressed me so much throughout your life am going to give you your own house in heaven.
It's not much but you're lucky as only a few people get houses to live in up here".
"Thank you Lord", Ally replied.
They walked together for a while until they approached the bottom of the driveway leading to a small wooden house and in the front door window there was a faded Rangers FC sticker.
Ally again thanked God before proceeding up the driveway.
Half way up he caught sight of the house behind his. This house had green, white and gold gates and a long winding driveway, at the top of which was a 50 feet tall flagpole with a giant Glasgow Celtic flag fluttering gently in the breeze.
Looking closely at the house Ally saw it had many windows, each with a brand new shiny Celtic sticker.
On looking through the living room window Ally saw a life sized poster of Henrik Larsson proudly standing in his hoops.
Ally began to shake his head, and God seeing this asked what was wrong.
"Well" Ally said, "I played in the Premier league with Rangers and played international football for Scotland, and have been entertaining the fans worldwide with my reporting ever since.
I'd just like to ask why Henrik Larsson gets a bigger house than me"?
God shook his head and said " Ally, Ally", that isn't Henrik's house.....it's mine".

A Protestant Glaswegian family head out one Saturday afternoon to do their Christmas shopping.
While in JJB Sports, the son picks up a Celtic Football shirt and says to his sister,
" Ive decided to be a Celtic Supporter and i want this strip for my Christmas"
the sister is outraged at this and promptly whacks him round the head and says,
" Go talk tae yer ma"
Off goes the unusually intelligent little lad, with Celtic shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum." "Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Celtic supporter and I want this strip for my Christmas."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says,
"Go talk to yer da." Off goes this little pearl amongst swine, with Celtic shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad."
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Celtic supporter and I want this strip for my Christmas."
The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says,
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home.
The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you have learned something today?"
The son turns to his father says, "Yes, Father, I have'.
Father says, "Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Celtic supporter for an hour and I already hate you hun bastards."

A bloke on his way home from work is driving through central Glasgow and comes to a dead halt in traffic, and thinks to himself ...
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks ... "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies ...
"It's a Rangers fan, he's just so depressed about the 'Gers performances last night and the prospect of Celtic winning the league again, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.
He says his family hates him, his Celtic work colleagues are all laughing at him and he has a smack habit.
I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really ? How much have you collected so far?".
"So far ? Only about three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

Doctor in conversation with young mother:
"And how's the little man?"
"Oh, just wonderful, doctor, feeding and sleeping - no problems, but just one funny thing....."
"Yes?"
"Well, when Bob listens to the football scores on Saturday, little James seems to understand what's going on;
for example, when the announcer says that Rangers have won, he says, "Goo Goo",
and if the Hearts have come out on top,
he says, "Ga Ga", but if the Celtic have been victorious, he actually tries to stand up, and waves his arms, shouting,
"Go on the Celts!"
"Hmmm, very interesting. Tell me, what does he say when the Hibs win a game?"
"Well, we don't know yet, he's only seventeen weeks."

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Hun - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs.
He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Hun.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear:
"Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Hun leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face.
Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.
Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the Hun replies, "Something about a job."

This is a moral question for you. It is an imaginary situation,
but interesting to decide what you would do!
THE SITUATION
You are in Govan and on the River Clyde, there is a huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and the infrastructure of much of Glasgow destroyed.
You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service,
traveling alone, looking for a particularly poignant scene.
Suddenly you stumble across a car crash. It's Barry Ferguson and he's struggling to keep from being swept away in the raging river.
You have a choice of rescuing him or getting the Pulitzer prize winning photograph of the death of a famous Scottish footballer?
THE QUESTION What shutter speed would you use?

Rangers manager, Walter Smith is sending his players for diving lessons cos he's heard that there are 40,000 leagues under the sea and he reckons they must be able to win one of them.

smith is out shopping in town when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping.
smith: Can you manage, love?
Old Lady: Up yours, you took the bloody job, you're stuck with it.

Little William : 'Mum I want to be an Rangers season ticket holder when I grow up'
Mum : 'Make your mind up William - you can't do both'

A spacecraft full of aliens lands at Ibrox. As soon as the occupants get out of the ship they all die. Why? No atmosphere!

A man desperate at Rangers' current situation decides to top himself.
In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself.
At the very last moment he decides upon wearing his full Rangers kit as his last statement.
Several days later, a neighbour, catching sight of the hanging corpse, informs the police.
On arrival, the police quickly remove the kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders.
The neighbour, totally confused, asks why?
The cop replies, "To avoid embarrassing his family".

Money-saving tip for Rangers fans: Don't waste money on yet another replica kit, simply strap a large dildo to your forehead. It will be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support!

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them to see if there are any survivors.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Rangers are good enough to win the Champions League."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

A 90 year Celtic Supporter dies and goes to heaven. On arrival to the Pearly Gates he hears a large crowd roaring from inside. As he bangs on the Gates, St. Peter answers wearing a green and white hooped jersey. St. Peter tells him that Heaven Celtic are playing Hell Rangers. As he enters he sees all his heroes from youth playing in for Heaven Celtic. "Feck ", he says " Theres Thompson in goal, there's Rooney down the wing and 'Jinky' Johnstone up front. There's Jock Stein shouting from the side-lines." St. Peter says "Thats some team we've got together, isn't it?" The man replies " Aye they're all Parkhead Legends, but I don't remember him up front with the white beard." St. Peter says " That's God, he thinks he's Henrik Larsson!".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a Celtic Fan, a hun and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a train going to The England v Scotland game in Cardiff. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and it went completely dark. There was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Celtic Fan were sitting as if nothing had happened and the hun had his hand against his face where he'd been slapped. The hun was thinking: 'The Celtic Fan must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The hun must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Celtic Fan and got slapped for it.' And the Celtic Fan was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that hun idiot again! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus, Henrik Larsson and Jorg Albertz are sitting in a boat fishing on Loch Lomond. After an hour of not catching anything Jesus gets up and says, " I'm off to the pub." He then steps out of the boat onto the water, walks across the water to the edge then onto the pub. After another half an hour Henrik gets up and leaves. He too steps out of the boat and walks across the water to the pub. A small time later Albertz decides to join them, gets out the boat steps on the water and sadly drowns. Jesus then turns to Henrik and says, "Didn't you tell Jorg about the stepping stones? " Henrik turns to our Lord and says, " what stepping stones?"
Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in ten million of becoming a human being.

"CINDY YOU HAVE SINNED ........"

"Hold on a second, BALANCE, what about BALANCE? You said there was going to be a BALANCE..."
God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the fuckers I'm putting next door to them."