Series 1
Jim (scratching his backside) -“I paid a quid for these underpants, I’ve got 50p’s worth stuck up me arse.”
Nana -“It’s not worth doing a chicken just for one; it’s too much for one meal. You see, you can get four or five meals out of a chicken; you’re sick of it by Thursday.”
Jim (after Denise threatens to sing) -"Remember when she sang in the bloody Feathers? What did she sing...that Whitney Houston number? She was that bad the landlord barred him bloody self out."
Denise- "I'm not pissed. I only had about 9."
Jim picks his nose.
Nana -"I wanted to do one of those Friends and Family but I couldn't make up the numbers. Most of 'em were dead."
Denise (on Jim's birthday cake) - "Come on Dad! Blow it out!"
Denise (reading out Dave's stars) - "As ever you are ruled by ure anus. Don't be mean with money. If someone you love gets a new leather jacket, don't moan about t'price."
Barbara -"It's unlucky to see the Bride on the morning of the wedding."
Norma -"Is this hat too far forward?"
Series 2
Denise -"We had to talk a bit about our partners and our partners had to talk a bit about us"
Jim -“That Richard Branson…he wouldn’t give you the steam off his piss that fella.”
Twiggy -"Don't worry about me Barb; I eat any old shite."
Jim -"One greedy, scrounging git that fella. What a bloody brass neck! Coming back here for his Sunday dinner!"
Denise -"Hey...when me and Dave went on our honeymoon to Tenerife, right, we was on the plane and we thought it was just gonna be the first drink that was free, but it was all free...yeah, we was bladdered weren't we?"
Denise -"So I'm at it 'Daddy, Daddy, guess what?' didn't I Dave?
Twiggy (on his ex) -"Turned out she was knocking off Duckers an' all!"
Barb -"Ooh...it is common that wallpaper; I'll be glad to get that woodchip up."
Dave -"I love red sauce, me."
Barb (on Anthony) -"He's good with Baby David."
Barb (on Anthony) -"Ooh! Do you know who he reminds me of? Him! What's his name? ... Dick Whittington!"
Dave -"I don't bother with all that out-of-date stuff me Barbara."
Norma (after Elsie's death) - "In every cloud there's a silver lining. I didn't think I'd get that much wear out of this black cardigan.
Jim -“Yeah, but you can just get a chicken breast, can’t you?”
Nana -“Well…I’m not that keen on chicken.”
Barb -"Haven't you got a hanky?!"
Jim -"In these pyjamas?! There's hardly enough room for me tackle!"
Jim - "I will buggery! There's five minutes left in that - save on the lecky."
Barb - "Ooh...is that Russell Grant? He's very good in't he?"
Jim -"I don't remember seeing you that morning."
Jim -"No, we can still see you face."
Barb -"And what did Dave say about you?"
Denise -"Well, he just said that I was pregnant."
Jim -"Bloody hell! That must have been a shock for the rest of the antenatal class!"
Dave -"You asked him Jim!"
Jim -"I know...but I didn't think he'd say 'Yes!'"
Norma -"Betty buried her husband on Wednesday..."
Barb -"Did you go to the funeral Mam?"
Norma -"No, I weren't invited. They wanted to keep it to those that knew him."
Dave -"Absolutely hammered."
Jim -"Nice one."
Barb -"And did he know what you meant?
Dave and Denise -"No"
Denise -"And then I said, you know, 'I'm pregnant,' like that and the penny dropped didn't it Dave?
Dave -"Yeah. Straight away. Yeah."
Barb -"Ooh...ooh...I AM sorry. How did you find out?"
Twiggy -"Duckers told me."
Barb -"Did he?"
Twiggy -"Well...he IS me mate!"
Series 3
Twiggy -"You did well there Barb...pound a roll."
Denise -"I don't like it."
Barb - "Ooh, it's funny that, isn't it? Him liking red sauce and you not liking red sauce, and yet you get on so well."
Denise -"Yeah."
Barb -"I wonder what sauce Baby David'll like."
Jim -"Only 'cos he's the same bloody mental age as he is!"
Denise -"Get lost! Baby David's miles brighter than our Anthony!"
Jim -"Oh aye. He's like Dick Whittington but without the bloody Whittington."
Barb -"Don't you Dave? Ooh...in't that a lovely way to live?"
...Do you think I could have her Senopods?"