Sparrow


Name: Sparrow Likes: Useless Info Dislikes: Lack of Nicotine U Should Read I Would Like Speak This is my place to create. This is my make believe world. Events may or may not have happened. Characters may or may not be fictional and blatant lies are likely to be found. Only I know the truth behind anything I write here. Don't believe everything that you read. Take what you know to be true, learn from what you can and forget the rest. - Sparrow Wednesday, March 03, 2004 Thursday, March 04, 2004 Friday, March 05, 2004 Saturday, March 06, 2004 Tuesday, March 16, 2004 Wednesday, March 17, 2004 Blogger Be Mine Link Link Link Link	Wednesday, March 17, 2004 New Plan I've decided to go on a diet. Hopefully it will help me feel better about myself. The Little Sparrow chirped \| Tuesday, March 16, 2004 Please NO More Deeply depressed - I don't know why. Want to be left alone - I am alone. Want to smoke Want to get high Want to sleep - Forever. I wish I was dead - I don't want to live anymore. There is no point. The Little Sparrow chirped \| Saturday, March 06, 2004 Day Four - Love Is... Feeling a lot calmer today. I have had a bad headache all day though and may need to go back to bed for an hour or two, while MJ keeps an eye on the kids for me. Managed to get some tidying up done, finished a new blog template and spent some time reading through my old writing works. I was surprised to see how much I have written over the past year. Non of it is much good, but maybe I will try and brush some of it up and see what becomes of it. Would be good if I had some pieces to show to anyone who may be interested. ********************************************************** Tonight, I sat and brushed my daughters hair until it was soft and flowing like 'princess hair'. She loved it and went to bed with a huge grin on her face after twirling around the room in glee. It is the same in the mornings, when I brush her hair or tie it up in 'princess plaits'. She goes off to school feeling like the princess she wants to be. It makes me feel so good to see her happy. Gentle hair brushing, for ten minutes or so, is a small price to pay for such a thing. My mother was a vicious hair brusher, and I have vivid memories of my head being tugged sharply backwards as her rapid strokes got caught in my long locks. Similarly, she was always in a rush when she was washing my hair. Her nails would scratch at my scalp, and I would cough and splutter as she quickly poured foul smelling vinegar water over my head, eager to get me out and ready for bed. Occasionally, when watching a film or something on tv, her hand would wander to my head as I tried to snuggle up beside her. She would very gently and without thought, softly stroke my fringe back and then it let it fall back into place. It made me feel loved, cared for, safe and relaxed, and I would always secretly hope that she wouldn't stop. However, the moments never seemed to last long enough. She would always get distracted with the need for another glass of wine or what was on the tv. To me, it seemed that those things were more important. When sitting with my children I will make a conscious effort to stroke their hair. A lot of the time I do it for so long, that they will fall asleep on me and leave me with that warm loving feeling deep inside. It is the simple things that stick in our minds as we grow. Love isn't the play dough I bought for them the last time I went shopping, or the sweets I gave them after dinner. Love is the time I spend with them and the small, simple ways I show them my love for them. I tell them I love them whenever I get the chance. They tell me they love me too. In years to come though, I hope that it will be these little things that they remember and pass on to their own children. Ten minutes of gentle hair brushing, is a small price to pay for big rewards like the love of my children. You have to show love, not just say it. It is true that actions speak louder than words. The Little Sparrow chirped \| Friday, March 05, 2004 Another Day Last night was absolutely awful. All I could do was sit, wrapped in my baby blanket from when I was a little, and cry and shake and feel like I was about to explode. I wanted to give in; admit defeat and run off to get high, or drink, or smoke. The anxiety was terrible and all I had running through my mind, was that I must have been mad to ever think that I could do this. I tried to sleep but my brain was going crazy. Pictures and hallucinations were flashing through my head while the room was spinning and my body was getting restless and painful. MJ lay with me for a little while and stroked my hair while I cried on his shoulder and tried to relax. He kept telling me how well I was doing and how strong I was but at the time I wasn't having any of it. I finally fell asleep around 5 this morning. My dreams were very weird and disturbing though, so I don't feel very rested now, but at least I have made it through another day. I just need to hang in there I guess and remember to take it one step at a time. The Little Sparrow chirped \| Thursday, March 04, 2004 I Did It Well I made it. Woke up this morning and had a brief moment of being proud that I managed to get through my first day smoke free. Cheated a bit by popping enough pain killers to sedate a small army last night, but I desperately needed to sleep. Hope today is a little bit easier. **************************************************************** I ended up sleeping through the day. The pills obviously had a lasting effect, which is only now beginning to wear off. Lots of strange dreams about people from the past. Left me feeling rather strange and worn down. Gave the kids the felt picture packs I bought them yesterday. Was busy for about an hour separating little piece of felt so that they could make pictures of farms and gardens. They enjoyed it and I was grateful for something to do that took my mind of smoking. I want a cig....I'm going to go very crazy soon. Must keep occupied. Can't let this get the better of me this time. There is no sense in smoking... sigh ************************************************************* Fuck it! It's just getting worse. Feeling desperate and anxious and dumb for ever thinking I could quit all this shit. I feel like all I can do is curl up in a ball and cry until it either all goes away or I somehow get lucky and die. I'm tempted to play with some more pills. A little experiment if you like. However, I know that it will just become another habit that I will have to kick later on. Despite my brain going into meltdown at the moment, I know it's not wise to substitute my current addictions for a new one. I'll save the fun for another day. I might as well remain miserable for the rest of tonight. After all, I can't break all the habits of a lifetime in one go. The Little Sparrow chirped \| Wednesday, March 03, 2004 And So It Begins Day one of trying to quit smoking. Haven't been up long and although I'm not seriously craving, it is annoying that I can't just light up my first smoke of the day. Sitting here doesn't help. I want to smoke while I do my graphics, or smoke while I chat to my friends. I have no idea how long I will last with this... Damned addictions. Think of the kids' lungs. Think of the kids' lungs ************************************************************* So... If you can't smoke away the cravings, you can shop them away! I checked in with my councilor and got tested etc. It was surprising how much my drug levels had dropped since two weeks ago. I think people were a bit shocked that I was doing so well; especially considering I was so against having to 'get clean'. For once I was in the green! Yay me I decided to treat myself to a 'happy quit day' shopping spree. Bought myself a new tarot deck, some books and a dudey purple bag. I also got the kids some new toys, which they can have when they are good. Now that the evening is here, I really want to smoke again and stuff, but I will try to forget about it. Only a couple more hours and today will be over. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier and less expensive. The Little Sparrow chirped \|